Are you in a toxic relationship?

• Every relationship has its ups and downs. That's not what this article is about. This is about destructive ties: how to recognise them and how to deal with them - even if it means pulling out your scissors and snipping yourself free.

There are some relationships you think - expect - will last forever. The bound-by-blood parent-child one, the till-death-do-us-part spousal one. even the pinky-promise middle school best mate. But such is life, that it takes us through different circumstances; ones that change us and, by extension, those formerly blissful relations - till they take on such a toxic quality that the people we once thought we could never live without become the very ones we need to get away from most of all.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. That's not what this article is about. This is about destructive ties: how to recognise them and how to deal with them - even if it means pulling out your scissors and snipping yourself free.

Parent TRAP

Growing up, Anika* shared an incredibly close relationship with her mother. Her memories of her father - who never wanted children - are "practically zero", because he did not "care to be involved in anything to do with her". Heated fights on her account were common between her parents, considering her mum was all but raising the child on her own - but it also made the bond with her mother that much closer.

It was when Anika's grades began to drop around middle school that their relationship began to sour. "I used to lie to my mum about my marks and hide them from her, because I couldn't bear to disappoint her. But those lies began to take a toll on our relationship and she began to despise me, telling me I was going to fail in life like my dad and calling me my dad's daughter - because he was constantly lying to her."

The strained relationship and constant fights continued well into high school and college ("Mum has a bad temper and the verbal abuse was constant, day in and out") - and finally broke after a major argument a few years ago. "It was something I'd said," says Anika. "I meant well but my mother flew into a rage, because she thought I was being arrogant and trying to cut her out of my life, after everything she'd done for me. Nothing I said to try to convince her otherwise worked, and it ended pretty badly, with me packing a bag and moving out. She never forgave me for that."

The two barely spoke for the next two years after the incident. "I had to leave because things had gotten way out of control and I couldn't take the abuse anymore," she recalls. But she couldn't cut her out completely. "She is my mother, at the end of the day, so I'd call her once in a while - only to receive cold retorts or to hear the slam of the phone. I started visiting on the weekends after a couple of years, and things seemed relatively better for a while. But she kept bringing up that fight - and a new one would start again. I guess moving out was the ultimate betrayal for her."

Anika says she's undeniably much happier under her own roof, but there's a part of her that feels "hollow and void, like something's missing" and she wouldn't encourage anyone to follow her path. "Perhaps with any other relationship, I might say give it your best shot, but if things get really bad, you need to walk away for your own good. With your parents though, I somehow feel a broken relationship can result in bad karma. As much as you can, I'd say try to hold on."

How to deal with it:  Writing for the Huffington Post earlier this year, US-based therapist Catherine Chen says it's possible to manage such a relationship without breaking off all ties. "Dealing with toxic parents is a delicate situation and is undeniably tough. But remembering that you are your own person will enable you to respect the relationship without falling victim to it. Learn to manage your expectations and take control of the conversation - you'll find that you'll remain even-keeled, keeping the toxic energy at bay, while giving you the confidence to move forward in your life."

Friend and Foe

Dubai-based Insiya* says she'd known her best friend for almost a decade before things got nasty. They'd been through school and college "thick as thieves" and were inseparable to all who knew them. "There are many ways toxic relationships can enter our lives," says the media professional. "One of the most common is by creeping in. You don't realise that you're in an unhealthy relationship because you think everyone goes through the same things - and you just have to do more on your end to work things out."

But there's a major difference between accepting a person's shortcomings and putting up with destructive behaviour. "That's something I learnt the hard way," she rues. "My friend was what you might call the dominant person in our relationship, because she always had her way. She was extremely moody, and the smallest 'offence' could make her storm off. Every time we had a fight, she'd always make it out to be my fault. I never could find the words to convey how she was hurting me, even when I was really mad at her. I swallowed a lot of resentment during those years, and it was probably when she started dictating who I could and could not hang out with that I began to fight back."

It always takes two to tango, and Insiya agrees that, towards the end, she was, no doubt, adding to the toxicity too. "We fought a lot in the last couple of years, and I'd be in tears almost every day. Breaking off the friendship was, to my mind, unfathomable. This was the person I'd grown up with, been through so much with. and who I'd imagined would be with me for all time to come, through weddings, kids and everything else."

But the damage could not be repaired and the pair stopped speaking altogether eventually. "It took a long, long time for me to get over that," says Insiya. "But I look back today, and I'm so glad we did. I can't even say I wish it didn't happen, because the experience made me a much stronger person - and I have not let a single potentially toxic person enter my life again since. I know the signs well now and there is no way I'm letting it happen again, if I can help it."

How to deal with it:  Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends, explains how it works in a post for WebMD.com: "Friendships have positive things to contribute to all areas of your life - but that means they can also be toxic in any of these areas as well. There has to be balance in a friendship for it to be healthy - not one person whose needs get met and another whose needs are overlooked. It doesn't have to be 50-50 every minute but, overall, there should be some kind of balance in which you feel you are getting your needs met, and so is he/she."

To love or not to love

New York-based bestselling author Karen Salmansohn (www.notsalmon.com) often tells the story of a particular 'Prince Harming' she'd dated more than a decade ago to illustrate what a toxic relationship looks like. Every time she told her girlfriends about him, they would sing the 1966 Batman theme song, she says. "Not because he looked great in black Spandex tights - it was because he was a bad man. They'd go: 'Dadadadadadada Bad-man!'"

Karen says Bruce* started displaying highly controlling and jealous behaviours, bordering on the paranoid, just a few weeks into their relationship - yet she continued to date him. "He didn't like me taking evening painting classes or going to the gym, because he thought I just wanted to meet someone else. He didn't want me having brunch with my girlfriends anymore, unless he could come along. Once, I came home from work really happy, and he got really angry because he felt I was enjoying work more than being with him!"

And then, she went with him for a weeklong vacation to Turkey. "I'd made a silly joke at dinner one evening to our Turkish waiter, who laughed. Bruce was immediately convinced I was flirting with the server and specifically wanted to know if I'd rather be dating the waiter - a man who could barely speak English and who lived well beyond a 5,000-mile radius of my zip code. I kept reassuring him I was not the teeniest bit interested, yet he refused to talk to me properly for a full two days of our vacation."

When she returned home, Karen sought therapy - where she learnt to "stop looking at Bruce as the problem", and looking at herself instead. "My therapist was right," she says. "If I was continuing to stay with someone who I knew was so toxic to my wellbeing, then I was the actual problem."

Karen broke off the relationship, went on to find and marry her Prince Charming and, today, offers the 'Never Again' self-help programme to help others who struggle. "One of the most important qualities to look for in a partner is whether they make you feel safe," she advises. "Someone controlling, cheating, lying, or with anger management issues won't make you feel safe. Without safety, you won't have true intimacy."

How to deal with it: Karen quotes Aristotle in answering this, when she says, "There are three kinds of relationships: those about pleasure, utility and shared virtue. Pleasure can be part of the relationship but it can't be the only element in it. And if you're in a relationship for money, power, beauty - that's a relationship of utility. But when you connect soul to soul with a partner. challenge, support and inspire each other - that's the relationship you want to go for, because you have the 'laboratory of growth' to help each other become your best possible selves. I respect those who want to work on their relationships," she continues. "But also know that if there's too much toxicity, the kids will feel it. And you'll be raising them with a wrong idea of what love and life should be about." 

*Names changed to protect privacy

 Why You Can't Let It Go

When it comes to family, severing ties can be an option you don't even want to consider. But there are other kinds of relationships, in which people are not willing to let go - even when they know the relationship is toxic. Relationship therapist and radio show host Laura Berman explains why.

"A toxic relationship can include verbal abuse, inconsistent behaviour and/or an emotional roller coaster that eventually becomes an emotional and neurological addiction," she says. "These emotional highs and lows release neuropeptides in the brain, causing your body to create a physiological addiction to the passions and anxieties that come from the toxic relationship." That's why some people keep going back to the same person, even if they know he/she cannot provide the kind ?of healthy relationship they seek. 

5 Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship

·         You spend more time fighting than enjoying each other

·         You regularly feel like you can't do anything right

·         The relationship is passive aggressive, and involves a lot of putting down, name-calling, contempt, and silent treatment

·         The relationship stops being fulfilling

·         One or both of you are unwilling to change or talk about your problems

http://khaleejtimes.com/wknd/interviews/are-you-in-a-toxic-relationship